It's. Just. Sex.

Anonymous asked: So, I have this issue where I'm terrified of giving oral to a girl and it's because the first girl I ever tried it with made me want to throw up. So, now I'm afraid of that happening again. Any thoughts on how to get over this? Because I'd like to be able to pleasure a woman as much as possible.

Well, that’s life for ya.  Some people are horrible at giving and some people are horrible at receiving.  I’m sorry you had to experience a woman who was unaware of the unwritten rules in the world of oral sex, I really am.  I’ve had some pretty grotesque experiences myself, but I try not to think about those.

My only advice to you is to keep on keepin’ on.  If a girl hasn’t tidied herself up then don’t feel obligated to go down on her or, if you’ve already mosied your way south, don’t feel obligated to stay down on her.  Personally, when I don’t feel particularly clean I don’t let anyone’s face near my goodies.  I’m pretty sure I’m not the only person who does that, just as your first girl isn’t the only one who DOES allow people near her pleasure centers, despite the conditions.

Here’s how I can try to help (and I’m not being facetious in any way right now.  I think this is a completely necessary and valid message):

URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT FOR EVERYONE VISITING THIS BLOG AND/OR PLANNING ON HAVING A GOOD SEX LIFE:

IF YOU ARE GOING TO  PARTAKE IN ANY KIND OF ORAL SEX, PLEASE TIDY UP.  DO NOT LET SOMEONE GO DOWN ON YOU IF YOU TASTE AND SMELL LIKE YOU JUST RAN A MARATHON LAST WEEK AND FORGOT TO SHOWER. THAT IS RUDE AND REPULSIVE AND UNDESIRABLE.  YOU DO NOT DESERVE ANY KIND OF PLEASURE FOR A MOVE LIKE THAT. I’M NOT KIDDING. BE A CONSIDERATE RECEIVER AND BE A CONSIDERATE GIVER. CHOOSING TO BE ONLY ONE OF THOSE TWO THINGS IS LIKE TRYING TO OWN A PHONE WITHOUT BUTTONS OR BUTTONS WITHOUT A PHONE (I REALLY HOPE MY TECHNOLOGICAL COMPARISON HELPED). THANK YOU.

Anonymous — Please don’t give up.  Someone out there probably tastes delicious just for you.

Turn-Offs (because they’re just as important as turn-ons)

• Long, dirty fingernails — It’s not that hard to clean your damn nails.  And when you walk around all day looking like you just clawed yourself out of a grave, it proves that A. You never wash your hands and B. You don’t care about making sure that my lady parts stay tidy and UNinfected. Wash. Your. Hands. And. Trim. Your. Nails.
• Too much swearing — You know when you walk through the grocery store and hear 13 year old tweens tossing out exaggerated “fuck you“‘s and “slut”s and you think, God, they sound so stupid right now? Well, guess what? You sound JUST like that when you swear uncontrollably. It’s unattractive.  We’ve got a pretty vast language here and it would be undeniably sexy if you could utilize its resources with a bit more depth.  Don’t be that 13 year old tween, okay?
• Attention whores — Listen, it’s really nice that you enjoy being the life of the party, but sometimes there are other lives attending it too.  Know when to speak up, but know when to step down.  Also, it’s intriguing to learn about you, but it’s also intriguing when you want to know about me. Quit talking about yourself all the damn time and ask a question or two.
• Shadow dwellers — I’m relieved to know that you’re not another attention whore, but you should probably prove that you have a personality.  What are you so afraid of? SPEAK UP.
• Bad breath — You know what’s great? Kissing someone who tastes and smells good.  You know what sucks? Your breath. Brush your teeth, eat good meals/lots of fruit, and stay hydrated (things to help bad breath).  OR you can keep a hefty distance and enjoy a lonely life.
• Cigarettes and weed — I won’t tell you to quit because I used to smoke both and I know it feels good.  But just remember that no matter how much cologne or toothpaste or deodorant you use, all the nonsmokers will still be able to smell and taste you.  That usually takes us all out of the running.  I will never ever end up with someone who smokes.
• Drunktard — Okay, I actually don’t care if you get ham-swandwiched every weekend.  I enjoy my beverages, too.  But if you’re someone who is anything other than a happy, loving, funny, hungry drunk then you probably suck.  Angry, upset, overly-emotional, lazy drunks are the worst.  Also, whiskey dick doesn’t just suck for you.  Girls have sex drives that need some release too.  Don’t forget that.
• The “sorry” abuser — When you say “sorry” too much, it probably means you’re not learning quick enough.  Or it means you’re way too comfortable saying sorry and therefore don’t mean it in the least bit. Tisk tisk.  No love for you.
• Guilt — Guilt trip me once and I will forever write about you publicly in a negative light.  Don’t be that guy.
• Violence — You can beat someone up?  You’re protective? You have high levels of testosterone? Fuck you.  You’re probably also the same asshole who speeds by a hot girl in your car to get her attention.  Know what? She’d see you better if you stopped to let her cross the goddamn road like a gentleman.  Kind of like how you’d probably get to know her better if you’d quit flexing and picking fights and tried to hold a conversation instead.  Violence is only cool in the media.  And if you’re smart, you know how much the media sucks.  Boom.
• Tevas — I’m sure they’re comfortable. But I hate them so much.
• Oral Sex Snob — If we hook up and you don’t reciprocate my oral sex or you do but you put in zero effort and zero minutes, I will ruin your sexual reputation for a long while. I don’t care how extreme that is. It’s 2012 now.  Your female counterparts have demands just as important as yours. Giddyup.
• Shaved Chests — Some guys pull this off. But most do not.  IT. HURTS. If you are the slightest bit prickly you automatically shun yourself from cuddling (and maybe that’s the point, in which case, SEE YA).  I can’t rest my cheek on you nor can I allow my soft, supple breasts to rub against you.  It’s painful and distracting.  You’re only in luck if you wind up with a girl who never wants to fall asleep on you and who hates intimate missionary sex.  I am not that girl.
• Hypocrite — You check out other girls. I check out other girls.  I’ll probably even point out a hot lady before you do.  But I also check out other guys.  If you ever get upset by this, you lose. I do not cope well with overly jealous people who can’t grasp the fact that our human tendency is to socialize and occasionally let our eyes linger on aesthetically pleasing people.  We do not ever find only one human being at a time to be the utmost attractive.  Ever. There are too many people in this world for that to happen.
• Grammar — It matters.
• Spelling and abbreviating — Don’t say “u” or “ur” or anything lazy and unintelligent.  Yuck.
• “I hate kids” — I hate you.
• Laziness — Just…horrible. DO SOMETHING. BE SOMEBODY. GO SOMEWHERE.
• The Need For Maturity — I like mature men.  I do. And I dated one who I thought was so sexy for that reason alone (mistake). But if you’re going to be stuck up about it, then you’re obviously trying too hard.  Learn that it’s okay to play once in awhile.  Being weird and silly and nonsensical is fun. I’m not saying you have to be all giggly and random and adorably obnoxious all the time, but if you’ve got a stick up your ass then you probably need to date a robot.
• The Neck Crack — You know the move: Left ear touches left shoulder and right ear touches right shoulder.  Excessive neck cracking/stretching/ whatever the hell you want to call it is one of the most disgusting things to witness.  I’m not kidding. Do you think it looks cool? Why, because it means you’re tense and you work out?  I don’t get it.  But it looks ugly. Stop.
• Answering the phone — What is that voice you use when you talk to your guy friends on the phone? It’s like a mixture of ghetto and nonchalant and volume and dumbing-down gone horribly, horribly wrong. TALK IN YOUR NORMAL VOICE.

Damaged Goods

“…I’m damaged goods because I went from being this relatively sensical go-with-the-flow romantic, to the girl who stares bitterly at happy couples walking hand in hand. Why can’t I have that?   Because you HAD that and you took it for granted and you ruined it.  That’s why.  YOU did it.  Nobody else.  And love doesn’t just come out of nowhere for people like you.  Well then, sorry for asking.

I wish I could be naive and ignorant and experience-less again.  I really do.  I don’t care about what I learned from him, I liked everything so much better when I didn’t have anything to compare the present with.  My relationship with him ruined love.  Temporary lust and one night stands are manageable, but the thought of meeting someone and mutually loving one another forever seems unrealistic.  It’s definitely more naive to believe in love than it is to hate it and avoid it and poke at it with skepticism like it’s some sort of poisonous creature on the side of the road. And be careful, because if you poke hard enough it might wake up and bite you and infect you and leave you paralyzed or, at the very least, just a little traumatized.

See what I mean? Damaged.

Or experienced.

The two seem to go hand in hand.”

—Chelsy